I was not avoiding as much as processing.
I wrote an essay for class last year about cancer, more specifically about my husbands cancer. It was hard to write, but it got me an A in the class. I had asked my husband to read it, he declined till it was discovered that my little essay was published. My counselor asked me how I was feeling about it. I told her I cried, but I’m not crying about it now. I am feeling a bit irritated. Why was it not good enough to read when I wrote it last year? Why is it worthy of his time now? I guess I should be happy he bothered at all. I guess I can take solace in the fact that when he did deem it worth his time that it made him cry. I hadn’t intended that but it was nice to see an emotion other than anger from him. He said he was lucky to have me. That should make me happy, but I kept thinking if you feel so lucky why couldn’t you show it from time to time. I know that sounds selfish of me, I should be happy about any acknowledgement at all.
I hate this part. Loosing my nephew was a…shock. Finding out it was probably a suicide really threw me far more than I can express with words. That kind of loss always hits entirely to close to home. It is so odd, I haven’t seen the child in eight years, when his mom moved him across the country. I am not sure why but she kept him from the family, but I see his little sister every summer. I am so thankful for that, but perhaps if his mom had afforded him the same opportunities I could have made sure he know how much he was loved. I was sad of course, and I cried a bit when I thought it was an accident. When I heard suicide, it became very personal for a quite a while. It was like I was 19 all over again learning I lost my sister. All those feeling rushed back in. I suppose it didn’t help that the 18th anniversary of her death was just 2 weeks ago. But that day it was so fresh all. You know, the really strange thing is losing my sister is still the hardest thing I ever had to live through. You would think it would be the tumor, but it was her. I still miss her and really wish I could talk to her just one more time. I would ask her why she thought it was okay to leave me when I still needed her. So then I thought of my nephews baby sister and what she was going through, and I needed to talk to her just to tell her she wasn’t alone. I felt alone and I didn’t want her to feel that way.
So that brings us to counseling.
My counselor talked to me this week about a bunch of things. Something she is worried about is my gift of avoiding. She said I use humor to cope with things, and that is very true. So I guess it’s not a bad thing until I make a joke to change the subject. I told her that a few of my friends have called me on it from time to time. She seemed happy with that. It’s funny, I don’t mean to do it, I didn’t even realize I was so effectively avoiding thing I find difficult, but apparently I am quite proficient at the sill. I’m supposed to work on it. I am also supposed to work on being honest with my husband. I have a tendency to hide my hurt, anger, and frustration from him. My Dr. thinks I am trying to protect him, and I know she’s right. I don’t want him to be upset so I keep things to myself, and he did tell me de only want’s to know about happy things, but I am also supposed to be honest. This is a tricky line, on one hand I want him happy but I wish to never have a panic attack again. Here is a good thing about that though. He said something that was hurtful the other day. I told him that what he said was mean and unacceptable. He got defensive, and I told him to settle down then pointed out that he said he wanted me to be more honest.
My math grade has me really wigged. I have Good grades in all my other classes so it’s frustrating to have a bad grade. I know it’s stupid but I think I need that little bit of normal to help even out all the really hard stuff. I have no doubt that makes zero sense.
You know that saying, when it rains it pours? I think I’m in the middle of that right now. I know things could be so much worse, but lately everything just feels so much harder then last month. It’s even been difficult to talk to my counselor and I like talking to her. I’m reading a book, well I’m reading a few books, but one in particular is about how to be a caregiver, it’s a handbook of sorts. Typing that last line just gave me an anxiety attack. How funny is that that typing some meaningless words can garner a physical reaction. My heart is still racing, I am finding that sad. So the book. It starts off telling how the caregiver will feel overwhelmed and powerless…no shit. My counselor liked that I am reading things to help me find answers. He forgot how he likes his potatoes. I’m not ready to be a caregiver. It scares me. He stopped taking his antidepressants that scares me too. Today he went to the doctor for a cold and they had him go for a chest ct, that scared me too. I was afraid he had phenomena.
I think that is about it. Oh, fun fact: When you ask me a question such as how are you. I tend to avoid or say fine. If you ask me a specific and direct question such as how far have you gotten with that crappy book? I am more apt to answer those and if they are yes no questions your odds are even better. That is just if I annoy you by avoiding too much.
Is it wrong to want a break from reality? I feel even more lost these days. It feels like my brain is going all over the place except where it really needs to be. I feel like I want to work on one thing at a time, yet i have about twenty that really need my attention now, and the thing the bugs me most are the stupid ones like my grades feel just as painful as the loss of my nephew. It should not be that way, I think my priorities are fucked.