Session 1…

New Session 1…I should have stuck with weeks this may get confusing.

Today I went to the counselor for the first real appointment. We touched on things that make me happy.  I told her that anymore the things that make me happy are the things I do alone.  She asked me why I felt that way, and I said because I liked my husband the better before he started constricting me.  I felt horrible for saying that, but it is true. Everything is harder now and I want things the way they used to be.  She asked me; “Do you think you may be having a hard time with acceptance?”

I sat trying not to cry, but I failed.  It made me question, am I really having trouble with accepting things?  I didn’t think I was.  Odds are he is going to die ore become incapacitated in some way and I have to be ready to take the lead financially when that happens. That is dealing? At least I thought it was dealing…is there a different between dealing and accepting?  Maybe there is, and I just never thought about it.  Maybe in my dealing with shit I never took the time to say this is what is happening.  This is the unchangeable fact.  This is want coming.  How are you going to accept it?

So I really thought long and hard, and I think that’s shit, I’m totally accepting things.  I know what’s likely to happen I’ve read the stats, I’ve talked with the doctors.  I know all I can know so how am I not accepting?

What if I’m not? Okay so the fact that that stupid word makes me cry every time I say, hear, or type it could be an indication that she’s right.

Fuck, what am I supposed to do now?  In my head acceptance is easy, logical even.  Stupid emotions.  I want to be like Data.



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