New Session 1…I should have stuck with weeks this may get confusing.
Today I went to the counselor for the first real appointment. We touched on things that make me happy. I told her that anymore the things that make me happy are the things I do alone. She asked me why I felt that way, and I said because I liked my husband the better before he started constricting me. I felt horrible for saying that, but it is true. Everything is harder now and I want things the way they used to be. She asked me; “Do you think you may be having a hard time with acceptance?”
I sat trying not to cry, but I failed. It made me question, am I really having trouble with accepting things? I didn’t think I was. Odds are he is going to die ore become incapacitated in some way and I have to be ready to take the lead financially when that happens. That is dealing? At least I thought it was dealing…is there a different between dealing and accepting? Maybe there is, and I just never thought about it. Maybe in my dealing with shit I never took the time to say this is what is happening. This is the unchangeable fact. This is want coming. How are you going to accept it?
So I really thought long and hard, and I think that’s shit, I’m totally accepting things. I know what’s likely to happen I’ve read the stats, I’ve talked with the doctors. I know all I can know so how am I not accepting?
What if I’m not? Okay so the fact that that stupid word makes me cry every time I say, hear, or type it could be an indication that she’s right.
Fuck, what am I supposed to do now? In my head acceptance is easy, logical even. Stupid emotions. I want to be like Data.