This is a downer and I am really sorry. I was going to scrap it, but I wanted someone to see it. I think I want you to judge me, and reaffirm my thought that I really do suck. I’m really sorry for this one!
My counselor gave me a project to work on this week. I knew it would be a mistake, but I did it anyway. I tested the waters with something small, and it did not end well. I need to back up. Have you noticed I do that a lot; start at the end then… you know.
Okay this is the homework I was given on Monday. I was supposed to write down what hurts me in my marriage and what I feel about my relationship. The funny thing is that this counseling thing is supposed to be for me to get my head right so I can be a proper caregiver and make it through school without a stroke or something.
This homework came about because I am a selfish asshole. A few questions that she asked me prompted this realization.
“It sounds like as a couple you are doing better; is that accurate?”
“Yes…he is happier.”
The other question was “are you feeling as hopeless as you felt just before you found out about the tumor?”
“No, then I was just done, now I can deal a little better.”
The last question she asked me was “if you are unhappy, and you know you have the choice to leave why do you stay in the situation?”
“I don’t have a choice. He needs me and he is only mean because of the tumor. “
“You do have a choice.”
That was what prompted my inner investigation. First I don’t like this one little bit! I am doing this homework under protest, and I am not happy about it. I guess I should ask myself why I’m not happy about it? Okay, why are you so pissed about this? Well, it’s stupid! Okay it’s not stupid it’s hard, and I don’t like myself very much when I think about how I feel about our relationship. I think the real issue is me not looking like the good guy. I am always the nice one, the dependable one, trustworthy, loyal…but am I really? I don’t think so. I think if anyone every really saw past my show…they would hate me. I want out! I want out so bad I can taste it! I was ready to leave just before diagnosis be then…I couldn’t leave when he needed me, and it wasn’t his fault, but I was done. He had said and done one to many mean things and I was over it. I’m not someone that will just take a bunch of shit, and not respond…yet now I am because I don’t have a choice. Now I let him say mean things, call me names, and thrown his tantrums and I never say a word other than I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry is my mantra. He was my best friend. He was the most loving and supportive man I had ever known. Back in the day he was sweet, kind, and caring. When those parts of him started to disappear so did we. I loved him with all my heart, and seeing him vanish has been my hell and I want out, but I can’t let him go through this alone. I also cant lie, and say we have any semblance of the relationship we once had. I don’t know this new person, and I really don’t like him. I can’t talk to him and I don’t want to. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. I honestly don’t think he even likes me, and I can’t blame him because I can’t stand him. He is mean, manipulative, and rude. He is still supportive when it suits him, but he hates that I am studying or at school so much. I can’t leave because I am all he really has. I try not to be a bitch, but I know I have my days. I try and do what’s needed even though I don’t want to. I feel like I am the most selfish person alive because I want out and I hate that I am wasting years of my life being unhappy. That’s how I feel about my relationship.
What hurts me…other then the fact that he seems to be all but gone? Okay, it hurts that I don’t feel wanted. I know he needs me. I am pretty sure he cares, but he doesn’t want me. If he did I find it hard to believe that he would call me the things he does. By that I don’t mean things like bitch. He likes to cut deeper. He calls me fat, unattractive, selfish, mean, he tells me I never listen, I am always wrong, I can’t cook, I dress like an old lady, I don’t do enough around the house, and I talk to much. Those are the one that hurt most there’s more, but the rest are minor and only bother me for a little bit. The odd thing is I never call him names, and if I did I doubt it would end well. The really odd thing is I don’t like him yet I am so hurt that he doesn’t want me. I don’t get that. You would think by now I just really wouldn’t care but I do.
I was supposed to start to tell the husband the things he does that hurt me. Easy enough. Tonight was the perfect opportunity for me to be open and honest! FUCK! I should have known better. I was working on cleaning my closet. Well during the process I like to try things on and toss the things I don’t like and make sure everything looks good. I had an outfit on and asked if he liked it. He said it’s not as good as some of your other clothes. Okay, I get that so I pressed on. He said something mean, but I don’t recall what it was so I let it go. After all he had been an a mood all day, I guess chemo was the reason. He said something snarky, and I said it wouldn’t kill him to be a little nicer to me. He said he is nothing but nice. I laughed and said he was not and if he wanted to know the truth it would be great to know he wanted me around. He got really pissed, and told me I was the one that never said anything nice, supportive or let him know he was needed. Well He got madder and I…I got quiet. I told him I was sorry and I would do better. That made him even madder. Long story short, I needs to keep he fucking mouth shut because any criticism ends badly. So I know I’m not perfect, or even close to it but I do my best.
So the fact that he thinks I never say anything nice or supportive to him makes me wonder, does he just not remember, does he not pay attention, or am I being a bitch so it doesn’t register. Maybe he’s right, and I never do say anything nice? Is that possible? I thought I was always…maybe I’m wrong. So then if I’m wrong about that then maybe things he says about me are right. No! that is shit. I am supportive! I check on him, and remind him to take his meds, I cheer him up, I stroke his ego all the fucking time, I never say anything mean…I don’t think. I hate second guessing myself. I hate this project. Well project failed, and I think it would be best for me to just make due and try and make sure I say and do supportive things more often, but I should not expect the same in return. “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” I feel like I am being tracked by the thought police