A Message to Friends

I thought it might be in my best interest to reach out, after all my doctor, therapist, and that book I read suggested it.  This want what I wrote to my friends:

So as I think you all know by now the hubby has a brain tumor and it is inoperable.  Several months ago he started having seizures.  Meds have fixed that, we also learned he has a “flair” on his MRI.  That means the tumor is beginning to change.  Hubby and his Doctor are opting to hold off and I agree.  Biopsy risks are high.

Recently it was discovered that the tumor and the flair had grown a bit.  Not enough for the doctor to demand a biopsy, but enough to maybe explain all the changes in hubby’s personality…in my opinion.  I didn’t think to put that on the list of questions for the doctor. So, it seems to be growing, but not impacting the brain stem so that is wonderful.

So like I said his personality has been affected.  I don’t think most people would notice, but I do.  He is more possessive, jealous, has a hard time finding words, easily frustrated, he forgets a lot even more often than I do, can’t seem to understand my sarcasm or when I am kidding or serious, new situations and making decisions frustrate him.

His doctor said he is coping well, but he does need to get out more.  That is my new project, to make him get out and talk to people in a way that he is comfortable with.

So how has all this affected me?  How has it not, it has infiltrated every fiber of my being.  I feel like I have to be two people.  At home he needs me to be happy, upbeat, not at all sarcastic; that part just sucks.  I have to make the majority of decisions, and tell him what to do in a way that makes him happy. I used to be able to tell him everything, and I do mean everything.  Now, I can tell him only the happy things that happen in daily life, and he still likes my silliness…thankfully, but that is all he like about me.  It upsets him when I try to talk to him about things that upset me, or make me angry, so I can’t vent to him anymore.  When I am out I get to be me.  I admit I spend my drive home preparing to be the person he needs me to be.  It is hard, but I have noticed a big improvement in his temperament since I altered myself to better help him.  And my therapist said I need to build a community to help me cope. I am really sorry to lay this on you all, I know you have busy lives and I promise not to be to big of a baby.

The responses I received from my message suggested I not sharing anything, and my friends that I didn’t wish to trouble wanted me to share my load with them.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I am happy to have the support, I feel like a failure because I need it, and I feel stupid because I did not realize my friends want to help.

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