It has been about a month since my last session and today I went back to my doctor for my, you may be nuts, check up. I felt really bad about quitting therapy and I didn’t tell him that I quit which probably means it was a bad choice. Now, given the fact that my anxiety attacks are even worse, and I was bawling like a baby in his office, again, my guesstimation about quitting was right. I had made a bad choice…or maybe medication is what would be best? Well Dr. A gave me his honest opinion and it was a little harsh. I got a long lecture about the importance of therapy in my situation since I do not have a support system. I can’t do this alone he assured me. This angered me. I mean does he not know I have coped with more shit than this? To turn an overly used phrase from “Mommy Dearest”; ‘This ain’t my first rodeo.’ I survived my father trying to kill my mother, I made it through my sisters suicide, my grand mothers suicide, my mothers breakdown, and came out the other side just fine! I don’t need help! I can do this alone just like I did the other stupid shit in my life. Fuck sharing!
A few days/weeks have passed and I am done with my tantrum. I am going to take this seriously. I had an attack that lasted the better part of a day and it scared me enough to admit maybe I am over my head this time. Maybe.
The doctor had told me the other day that being a caregiver is hard on a person. He said I was grieving, and that alone was hard for a person to deal with, but you put taking care of another human on top of that and it can be overwhelming. It made me think about all the families with kids that have a terminal parent. Their lives are way worse than mine. Or the parents with kids that are sick, their lives are even harder still. So really I have no business struggling. I feel like a failure because I can’t see to get my shit together. I am actually quite embarrassed about this, but I I promised myself that I would call the counselors office at my college. I had looked it up once before, but I was just to chicken to call. Today I will call because self-therapy didn’t do me any good.